A friend told me about an incident today that happened to
her father in law. He was at his gym which is part of a hotel, and while
getting showered and changed it became obvious that the only other man in the
changing area was watching him quite closely.
The other man started a conversation and asked if fil was
staying at the hotel, to which he answered no. Other man asked if he would like
to stay, fil was suitably shocked and said no thanks. Other man asked if there
was anything he could do to tempt him, cue father in law getting dressed in
lightning speed while hurriedly explaining he was meeting his wife.....who he
loved............yes wife....did you get that strange man, a wife, with kids!
Anyway, he was understandably quite shaken and shocked by
this, he doesn’t come from a generation or background that is comfortable
talking about homosexuality let alone being propositioned by a gay man while in
a state of undress. It made him feel extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable and
such sexual advances from either a male or female is not something he had
experienced before.
My friend was suitably understanding and we all agreed no
one should be made to feel like that, however, this is the reality for an enormous
amount of women. A YouGov survey published in the Guardian
reveals that four in ten young women were sexually harassed in public spaces in
London last year. This harassment ranges from unwanted comments to physical
touching and groping.
This kind of harassment is insidious and so easily and often
passed off as just a bit of fun, or even complimentary, that it just blends in
to everyday life for a vast majority of women. The only difference I can see is
that in the father in laws case the unwanted attention was from a man and he is
not homosexual, but being hetro doesn’t mean you are fair game for sexual
advances. No woman should have to put up with unwanted attention because she
sometimes has consensual sex with a man.
It makes women feel unsafe, it makes us scared, and it
reminds us constantly of our vulnerability. The person making the advance knows
his intent is merely to compliment/joke/impress/pull/show off/pass the time of
day, but we don’t. In his book The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Beckers sums it up
really well when he says “Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a
romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death.” That is our reality.
(Disclaimer – before anyone says it, yes men too get raped by other men but the
numbers are much smaller and this is a feminist blog therefore my concern is
with women).
So, I feel for my friends father in law, I really do. It was
inappropriate and it made him feel bad. Now imagine living with the risk of
that all the time. Imagine that if it does happen no one will really care.
Imagine that men can proposition you and call you frigid when you say no, or
can touch you and be offended when you tell them to fuck off. Imagine always
being physically smaller and weaker than the person coming on to you, and not
knowing if they will get nasty if you don’t laugh along or get the
compliment. It’s pretty damn shit.
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