Barbie here we come

Some friends brought something to my attention the other day. It was one of those “can you believe this” type emails with a link to a website selling something called a SmoothGroove.

What, I hear you cry, is a SmoothGroove? Well basically it is a piece of plastic that you shove down your knickers to give you a smooth effect, because God forbid should the faintest outline of labia be visible. In other words a camel toe protector.  

We all had a good laugh at this and thanked our lucky stars we were too old to worry about such frippery. What? we cried, people spend £15 on this. £15! If my leggings go up my fanny at the gym I pull them out. I don’t spend £15 on a piece of plastic.....oh hold on a minute, it comes in its own satin pouch for discreet storage. Satin you say? Well in that case I’ll have 3.

Seriously, not only is this a ridiculous waste of money, it is yet another example of shockingly misogynistic marketing to women based on the notion of shaming us about a perfectly normal body part.  Let’s just run it past my favourite misogynist test – do men spend time and money worrying about this issue? That will be a resounding no then. If their genitals show through clothing they must be seriously packing, they don’t need to tuck it all away like Ken.

Every bit of the female body is held up for scrutiny, found to be wanting, and offered ways to be improved on, and the attack on the normality of our vaginas is increasing all the time. We have to contend with fears about cleanliness with a range of washes, wipes and moisturisers all dedicated to our keeping our nether regions smelling, literally, of roses. The vagina is self cleansing, and we have soap and water, it doesn’t need all this shit!

Then there is the waxing and plucking and shaving and moisturising and vagacials and vajazzles and probably much more I am glad I am not aware of.  Labia plastic surgery is the fastest growing form of cosmetic surgery in the UK right now.

Marketing experts have very cleverly taken an amazing and fully functioning normal part of a woman’s anatomy and made money by convincing us it is not good enough.  I’m pretty sure this idealised vision of smooth womanhood is largely fuelled by the normalisation of porn too, but how ironic that porn is built on women flashing their flanges, yet any non porn stars who feel compelled and pressured to achieve a porn look cannot show the merest hint of lips. You have to look like a porn star but only in the bedroom.

So now we reach this point. We can do all of these things to our vulvas in pursuit of pussy perfection and yet if any glimpse or outline of it is seen underneath clothing it is still offensive. The SmoothGroove website tells is we should rejoice in this invention and that it is the answer to the most embarrassing taboo there is for girls. Oh do fuck off. It is only embarrassing if we let it embarrass us. It’s like giving in to school bullies and paying for the privilege of doing so.

No, I don’t want my genitals on display particularly, not least because it’s quite uncomfortable having a front wedgie, but I have 3 foolproof methods of stopping it.

 1. If your clothes ride up there, pull them out 2. Buy a bigger size of trousers/leggings/pants 3. Stop looking at womens fannys through their clothing if you find them offensive. That will be £15 please.

If I want to be walked home I'll ask thanks

I wrote this piece in a fit of rage after a night out over Christmas, to try to make some sense of an argument that I had had with a male friend. It wasn’t initially written with rape myths specifically in mind, but more about how personal choice and freedom can be denied to women “for their own good”.

It also seemed a bit weird at first to think of posting something which defends the right of women to walk home alone after the publicity around the Ched Evans case, I felt almost reckless to be advocating such a thing.  However on rereading it I am surprised by just how clearly the whole incident was one big rape myth played out under the guise of friendly concern. It also showed me just how ingrained this culture of fear is, that because of this high profile case being in the headlines I had suddenly doubted my view that women had every right to be out on the streets after dark. There is a clear underlying message that if you walk home alone you are taking a risk and therefore if anything were to happen to you, some of the responsibility will rest with you. I think it therefore makes a good follow up piece to my last post.

I was on a night out recently with a group of friends. It was a mixed group of about 8 women and 8 men and we all had a lot to drink and ended up at a local late bar. This bar is about 400 yards from my house in a market town with a low crime rate.

At around 12.30 I had hit the wall and it was time for me to leave so I went outside, shoes in hand (classy) see some of the group I was with in the car park, I said goodbye and started to walk home.

I got about 50 yards along the road when one of the men in the group caught up with me and told me he was staging an “intervention” and I couldn’t possibly walk home on my own. He said I had to go back to another friend’s house (which was about the same distance away as my house in the opposite direction) as that was where everyone else was going and I could get in a cab from there.

I protested but he was actually pulling me and I gave in and we all walked back to the house together.  We got to the house and everyone was chatting and I suddenly got really angry. I didn’t want to be there, I was drunk and tired and I could have been home by now, so I said my goodbyes and went to the front door. Honestly, you would have thought I was planning a solo expedition up Everest judging by the reaction to my very simple decision to go home. A bit of a heated debate followed, I left and another male friend was ordered by his wife to walk me home.

As he so kindly accompanied me home I tried to explain I was annoyed and insulted, we argued, I tried to push him away and he still insisted on following me all the way home.  I was so powerless and frustrated (and a little bit drunk) that I was actually crying by the time I opened my front door.

None of the men I spoke to in the days after this got why I was so annoyed. They just saw it as a nice thing to do and a sign that the men in question cared about me and wanted me to be safe. I have given a lot of thought to whether I was unreasonable or not, and I still don’t think I was.

My biggest problem with this whole situation is the way in which male on female crime is perceived. Man rapes woman, woman can’t be out on her own after dark. Man stabs man, man can still walk home alone and much hand wringing and angst follows in the media about the state of society. Why is it so different? How about men stay indoors? Now that’s a sure fire way to reduce the risk of being attacked on the street.

According to Crimestoppers women are more aware of crime, yet men are more than 3 times more likely to get mugged or assaulted. So women are actually safer on the streets than men, but people still hold on to this view that we must be delivered safely to our door by men. Maybe women should start walking men home?

I also totally object to the lack of control I was allowed to exert. During this whole scenario I was physically held on to twice and I was followed home while crying and asking to be left alone. How is that helping me?

 Why take away my freedom in order to offer some kind of perceived protection? Being a woman doesn’t rob me of common sense. I would have no problem asking for company or calling a taxi if I felt I needed to, I wouldn’t walk in an area I felt or knew to be unsafe, if I was passed out on the pavement then yes some help would be appreciated, but I was perfectly able to assess the situation and make a decision for myself - a right denied to me by two men trying to “help” me. I have seen men passed out pissed on the pavement, abandoned by their mates, but God help the perfectly capable woman who wants to go home alone.

Finally, I hate this climate of fear that is exacerbated every time women’s freedom is curtailed with a misguided gesture of protection. I don’t like being made to be fearful when the reality is there is every chance I will get home safely. Women are taught to be scared of the dark, of underground car parks, of alleys, of quiet streets, of men who don’t look “normal”, and in doing so women’s confidence and freedom is slowly chipped away.

I have been truly scared on two occasions when I had the misfortune to cross paths with dangerous men; the memories of both lucky escapes make me feel sick with fear to this day. Both occurred in daylight, I was sober and one was a family friend.  I know what some men can do, I know that fear, I do not need a drunk male friend telling me he doesn’t want me to be scared walking home. That is insulting and patronising. It also totally misses the point that the vast majority of sexual assaults and rapes are carried out by someone known to the woman, so not only patronising but also a nice bit of rape myth thrown in for good measure. It also means we are back to talking about womens behaviour and actions instead of those of the rapist.

Women are not stupid, we don’t want to be hurt and will not deliberately put ourselves in harm’s way, but when 50% of the population is deemed unable to make their way from A to B after the hours of sunlight, is that keeping yourself safe or is that a male imposed curfew which only serves to place the blame for rape onto the woman who declines the offer of a walk home? It seems it’s very easy to tell people how to keep safe when it doesn’t affect your own liberty.

Are there such things as mugging myths?

I know a bloke who got mugged recently. Friend of a friend in the pub stole all his money on the way home, but do you know what I want to know? What was he doing out pissed at midnight?  And why did he get so drunk he couldn’t defend himself? Honestly some people are such idiots.

I’ll tell you what happened.

My friend, I’ll call him Paul, met some mates in our local pub.  He only knew two of them, the other two were friends of friends and he hadn’t met them before. One of them, I’ll call him Steve, ended up being the last in the pub with Paul after everyone else had gone and they decided to go for a kebab. They were getting on really well according to Paul and were talking about going to see the football together the following weekend.

When they got to the kebab shop Steve didn’t have enough money on him so Paul lent him a tenner and they ended up walking back to Paul’s house to eat their kebabs, both totally pissed. At some point on the walk Steve asked Paul to give him some more money and Paul said no.  I think they had a bit of a row about it. I’m not surprised, I mean, Paul had given him money just 10 minutes before so why did he have a problem giving him some more? How was Steve supposed to know it was a one off, especially when he had seen how much cash Paul still had on him, and he was wearing really expensive clothes so obviously well off, God that just asking for trouble. Paul loves it when he can feel like the centre of attention and the drinks are all on him because he earns more than us, but suddenly it was a problem to give Steve some more?

Paul tried to storm off but he was so drunk all he really managed to do was stagger around a bit. I said to him after, why didn’t you just get in a taxi at this point? If he had just used his common sense and not tried to walk home alone Steve would never have been able to catch him up and take his wallet of him. I had to laugh at that, he just walked up to him and took it from him. Didn’t even bother asking if he could, and Paul didn’t even say no.

In fact, the more I think about it, I reckon Paul might have just given Steve some money, and then when he realised what he had done when he sobered up he felt like a twat and made out he was robbed. I mean, he didn’t even try to stop himself getting mugged. He didn’t fight back, he didn’t shout, he didn’t do anything I would do in that situation. He says it was because Steve is bigger than him and he was drunk, it happened too quickly, blah blah.

You just can’t go out flashing the cash and not expect people to want some of it. You know what blokes are like, they can’t control themselves when they see some money. If you get drunk and don’t take responsibility for your own actions I’ve got no sympathy for you, he’s just lucky he didn’t get a good kicking too.

Basically if someone doesn’t use force to take something off you how can you really have been robbed right? Pauls going to get the right piss ripped out of him next time I see him.