Barbie here we come

Some friends brought something to my attention the other day. It was one of those “can you believe this” type emails with a link to a website selling something called a SmoothGroove.

What, I hear you cry, is a SmoothGroove? Well basically it is a piece of plastic that you shove down your knickers to give you a smooth effect, because God forbid should the faintest outline of labia be visible. In other words a camel toe protector.  

We all had a good laugh at this and thanked our lucky stars we were too old to worry about such frippery. What? we cried, people spend £15 on this. £15! If my leggings go up my fanny at the gym I pull them out. I don’t spend £15 on a piece of plastic.....oh hold on a minute, it comes in its own satin pouch for discreet storage. Satin you say? Well in that case I’ll have 3.

Seriously, not only is this a ridiculous waste of money, it is yet another example of shockingly misogynistic marketing to women based on the notion of shaming us about a perfectly normal body part.  Let’s just run it past my favourite misogynist test – do men spend time and money worrying about this issue? That will be a resounding no then. If their genitals show through clothing they must be seriously packing, they don’t need to tuck it all away like Ken.

Every bit of the female body is held up for scrutiny, found to be wanting, and offered ways to be improved on, and the attack on the normality of our vaginas is increasing all the time. We have to contend with fears about cleanliness with a range of washes, wipes and moisturisers all dedicated to our keeping our nether regions smelling, literally, of roses. The vagina is self cleansing, and we have soap and water, it doesn’t need all this shit!

Then there is the waxing and plucking and shaving and moisturising and vagacials and vajazzles and probably much more I am glad I am not aware of.  Labia plastic surgery is the fastest growing form of cosmetic surgery in the UK right now.

Marketing experts have very cleverly taken an amazing and fully functioning normal part of a woman’s anatomy and made money by convincing us it is not good enough.  I’m pretty sure this idealised vision of smooth womanhood is largely fuelled by the normalisation of porn too, but how ironic that porn is built on women flashing their flanges, yet any non porn stars who feel compelled and pressured to achieve a porn look cannot show the merest hint of lips. You have to look like a porn star but only in the bedroom.

So now we reach this point. We can do all of these things to our vulvas in pursuit of pussy perfection and yet if any glimpse or outline of it is seen underneath clothing it is still offensive. The SmoothGroove website tells is we should rejoice in this invention and that it is the answer to the most embarrassing taboo there is for girls. Oh do fuck off. It is only embarrassing if we let it embarrass us. It’s like giving in to school bullies and paying for the privilege of doing so.

No, I don’t want my genitals on display particularly, not least because it’s quite uncomfortable having a front wedgie, but I have 3 foolproof methods of stopping it.

 1. If your clothes ride up there, pull them out 2. Buy a bigger size of trousers/leggings/pants 3. Stop looking at womens fannys through their clothing if you find them offensive. That will be £15 please.